» On 5/11/2014 02:50:00 PM Mountain Standard Time, Alan wrote:
Alien wife swap. 

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have just met and they eventually start discussing sex.

"How do you folks do it?" asks the Earthling guy.

"Pretty much the same way you do," the male Martian replies.

The couples finally decide to walk on the wild side, and swap partners for the night. The Earthling woman and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a tiny member, very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT?!" exclaims the woman.

"Why?" he asks, "What’s the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It’s nowhere near big enough."

"No problem," he says, and slaps his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grows wider and wider.

"Well, okay," she says. "But it’s still pretty short."

"No problem," he replies again, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member gets longer, until it's quite an impressively length.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day, the couples rejoin their normal partners. As the Earthlings walk off together, the guy asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"It was really wonderful," she replies, "How about you?"

"Well," he says, "It was the weirdest thing. All night, she kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears."

 
» On 5/04/2014 03:25:00 PM Mountain Standard Time, Alan wrote:
Chinatown dialogue excerpt. 

Jake Gittes [Jack Nicholson]: So there's this guy Walsh, do you understand? He's tired of screwin' his wife... so his friend says to him, "Hey, why don't you do it like the Chinese do?"

So he says, "How do the Chinese do it?"

And the guy says, "Well, the Chinese, first they screw a little bit, then they stop, then they go and read a little Confucius, come back, screw a little bit more, then they stop again, and then they go out and they contemplate the moon or something like that. Makes it more exciting."

So now, the guy goes home and he starts screwin' his own wife, see. So he screws her for a little bit and then he stops, and he goes out of the room and reads Life Magazine. Then he goes back in, he starts screwin' again. He says, "Excuse me for a minute, honey." He goes out and he smokes a cigarette. Now his wife is gettin' sore as hell. He comes back in the room, he starts screwin' again. He gets up to start to leave again to go look at the moon.

She looks at him and says, "Hey, what's the matter with ya. You're screwin' just like a Chinaman!"