» On 11/21/2023 09:55:00 AM Mountain Standard Time, Alan wrote:
Turkey Trot/Walk/Crawl. 

I've been goofing off for WAY too long. My sedentary lifestyle was annoying me. I had been an active runner for two or three decades, starting when I was 14 years old. I ran track and cross-country in high school, and later, a couple of marathons. After that, I just ran... to keep the weight off, to get high on the endorphins, whatever.

But it was hard on my feet. Before my teens, I was diagnosed with fallen arches. I wore orthotic shoe inserts off and on, but they really didn't help. After 25 years, I started limping, during my daily run. Then I gradually tapered off with the jogging. I rationalized it by telling myself I was nearing 50, I didn't have enough time, it was injuring me, etc. The simple truth was this: the activity that had brought joy and meaning to most of my life was no longer fun. Worse, it HURT.

Then I developed a life-threatening allergy. The docs suppressed my immune system with a corticosteroid, while simultaneously stopping my body's insane overmanufacturing of histamines, with H1 and H2 blockers. I was forced to carry around a lifesaving epinephrine syringe, which you may remember from the John Travolta/Uma Thurman overdose scene in "Pulp Fiction." If my body went into anaphylactic shock, I needed to inject myself, to stretch out my few remaining minutes of consciousness and delay the inevitable, so I could get myself to an Emergency Room before keeling over dead.

Unfortunately, the steroid blew me up like a balloon. I even had to get surgery for an umbilical hernia, a few years later. So now, I was facing my 73rd birthday, gimpy and stout, with innards that were held together by scotch tape and spackle. I couldn't spend a long time on my feet, much less run. I was lucky I could WALK, ferchrissake. That's when my active-adult, 55+ community (a scandal-plagued nest of MAGA vipers nicknamed "Seizure World" by John McCain 😉) started promoting a 5K/1mi Turkey Trot, and I thought it might be a good excuse to get me off my f*cking a**. Plus, I liked the logo design, and wanted a t-shirt. Just between you and me, t-shirts have been a big motivation for lots of the batsh*t-crazy crap I've done in my life.

Today was the ordeal... er, event. I didn't trot or jog in the Turkey Trot. I walked fast... well, medium fast... okay, it was pretty d*mn slow. But I walked a mile, and snagged my t-shirt. Along with a participation medal. I'm surprisingly attached to that giveaway crackerjack prize. It means more to me than most of the medals I collected during my testosterone-fueled competitive years.



Now that I'm old and fat and slow, I often daydream about the Glory Daze, when I wasn't:
1) Boston YMCA Indoor 600 Yard Open, January 1969, 3rd, 1:22.6
2) Western Mass HS Class AA Mile Championship, June 1969, 3rd, 4:42.9 (qualified for State Meet)
3) Michigan State University Intramural Mile Championship, June 1970, 2nd, 4:57.2
4) NYC Marathon, October 1976, 761st/2090 starters, 3:28:01 (first 5-borough marathon)
++++More pix on Facebook ~~ Manny Hanny Corp Challenge, 1980, 5th, NBC Running Team.

 
» On 11/20/2023 12:05:00 AM Mountain Standard Time, Alan wrote:
Megaliths, standing stones and other rocky protuberances. 

Bucket List: Haven't you ever wanted to visit these ancient monuments? I have...

Newgrange, Poulnabrone/*, Castlestrange/*, Kenmare/*, Ardgroom/*, Drombeg/*, Eightercua/*, Rollright/*, Avebury/*, Stonehenge/*, Loanhead/*, Calanais/*, Brodgar/*, Stenness.

 
» On 11/01/2023 12:05:00 AM Mountain Standard Time, Alan wrote:
Prostrate, Sipowicz, Lycopene. 

Ladies, avert your eyes. 😉

Andy Sipowicz (played by Dennis Franz on NYPD Blue) complained frequently about his "prost(r)ate," to comic effect. The real "prostate" is a small, walnut-shaped organ below the bladder and in front of the rectum in men. Over time, it commonly becomes enlarged, which occurs in only eight percent of men aged 31 to 40. However, after age 70, approximately EIGHTY to NINETY percent of men develop Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia (BPH), which causes some annoying symptoms: (1) urinary frequency goes up, (2) increased urinary urgency, (3) trouble starting urination, (4) weak or interrupted urination, (5) dribbling at the end of urination, (6) frequent urination during sleep periods, (7) urinary leakage. Among other things. Michael Douglas, in The Kominsky Method, was also dealing with BPH issues, and the show attempted to offer treatment suggestions. Over the past few months, I've tried Flomax, Beta Sitosterol, Stinging Nettle, Zinc and Saw Palmetto, but nothing has helped... until I discovered Lycopene, which is derived from tomatoes. Not a cure-all, but helpful. Full disclosure: I have no affiliation with the Lycopene company. I'm just posting this admittedly subjective opinion as a public service.


UPDATE 1: Three to five milliliters (one teaspoon) of urine can get trapped in a "U-bend" in a man's urinary system, just outside the pelvic floor muscles. This is particularly common in older men. Bulbar urethral massage, also known as urethral milking, is usually advised for treating post-micturition dribble (PMD), where trapped urine leaks out after men have been to the bathroom. The technique involves placing the fingertips three finger-widths behind the scrotum and gently massaging in a forward and upward direction towards the base of the penis. This pushes the urine forward into the urethra, and should be done twice. By pressing underneath the scrotum, almost around towards the anus, you can elevate that U-bend to a flat line and therefore allow the release of that urine out of the penis. One British doctor tells 'blokes,' "If you do this, we’ll have you back in beige trousers." [Also: Kegel exercises]

UPDATE 2: Recently, the possibility of treating PMD with a phosphodiesterase-5 inhibitor (PDE5) has been suggested. The four oral PDE5 inhibitors commercially available in the U.S. (w/prescription) (online?) are sildenafil (Viagra, Pfizer), tadalafil (Cialis, Eli Lilly), vardenafil (Levitra and Staxyn, Bayer/GlaxoSmithKline), and a more recently approved drug, avanafil (Stendra, Vivus). These pills also treat erectile dysfunction or sexual impotence. Yep, two birds, one stone. 😉

UPDATE 3: I recently received one of the best anecdotes via DM. This guy recently had a few minor issues with PMD (Post-Micturition Dribble) and wanted to buy some sanitary pads for a little peace of mind. After a shopping expedition to the local Walmart, he exclaimed, "So many choices! Ultra-Thin! Maxi! Overnight! Size Numbers! Flower Scent! Fragrance Free! Biodegradable Bamboo! Reusable Charcoal! Anti-Bunch! Flexi-Wings! Do the d*mn things fly?!" He said he spent more than twenty minutes, looking over the dozens of products and carefully examining each package to make a selection: "How do women choose?! I was nearly brain dead, by the time I grabbed a small plastic-wrapped cube of pads and headed for the checkout. That's when I noticed a couple of teenage girls, who had been staring at me from the corner of a nearby aisle. Their smirking looks, with just a touch of disdain and incredulity, were priceless. They made the whole exhausting process worthwhile!"

UPDATE 26Jan2024: I eventually found that Lycopene wasn't as effective as I had hoped. I'm now trying the snake-oil remedies: first GetProstaThrive.com which is shilled by a urologist, Dr. Jacob Khurgin. Next up on my radar is TheFlowForceMax.com which comes in a gummy and has a funny story about a diaper on a plane. 😉 (And now, King Charles III [age 75] has joined the Enlarged Prostate Club.)

UPDATE 25Feb2024: Blood in urine, lotsa pain and urgency. Got a 2-day reprieve for sleeping from Phenazopyridine HCL and an emergency appointment with a urologist. (Also, a friend said D-Mannose and/or cranberry juice are effective in preventing UTI - Urinary Tract Infection.)

UPDATE 01Mar2024: I suspect Dr. Frank L. Simoncini, DO, FACOS at Southeast Valley Urology will soon perform a PUL (Prostatic Urethral Lift - UroLift) on me (rather than a TURP - transurethral resection of the prostate). His UroLift video looks promising. For my UTI, he prescribed ciprofloxacin, which is also used to treat Anthrax and The Plague. 😉


MISCELLANEOUS LINKS & TIPS: Prostate supplements ~ Shrink the prostate naturally - HoLEP laser procedure (recommended by a friend, not widely performed) ~ FDA UroLift info ~ Rezūm™ Water Vapor Therapy (another friend said it was very painful, and he doesn't recommend it, more info at Rezum.com) ~ Prostate-Specific Antigen (PSA) Test ~ International Prostate Symptom Score (I-PSS) ~ Prostate Cancer Patient Guide ~ Glossary ~ Post-void residual volume (PVR) ~ PSMA PET Scan ~ Tips (1) Elimination of caffeine, to minimize nighttime bathroom trips: not just coffee - soft drinks, chocolates, oreos, etc. - when in doubt, Google; (2) Acupressure, to start urine flow: light backwards "scratching" along the scrotum midline; (3) Double voiding; (4) I just noticed a couple of funny memes: "If you see a toilet in your dream, DO NOT use it," and "You can pretend you're a woman, but you'll still need a prostate exam when you're 40." 😉
 
UPDATE 12Mar2024: Poo-poo and wee-wee. Owie. 😉 Dr. Simoncini did a prostatic ultrasound and cystoscopy today. The ultrasound was a piece o' cake. A probe up my butt - but not too far - then they wiggled it around, no sweat. However, I expected the cystoscopy catheterization would turn out to be one of my worst nightmares... and it was! Ramming a camera up the ol' wee-wee is not my idea of a fun time. At first, it was relatively OK and not as bad as I had anticipated. But then the doc said, "This next part is going to feel a bit uncomfortable." Uncomfortable, my a**. It HURT! I groaned. In fact, I think I might have muttered a few choice swear words in his general direction. The doc showed me the video feed as he poked around my urethra, prostate and bladder. He said my prostate weighed about 35 grams and was 2.5 times the normal size. One scientific study said: "The most painful part of the procedure was as the cystoscope passed through the membranous urethra with a median pain score of 2.82 [out of 10]. The initial lidocaine administration gives a median pain score of 0.84. The other parts of the cystoscopy produced median scores of between 0.14 and 0.33." But I'm a wimp, so my peak pain score was closer to 11. 😉 Afterwards, I left an unholy mess on the floor of his exam room. Blood and p*ss everywhere. Couldn't control myself. I can imagine his notation on my chart: "Needs to be housebroken." 😉 He wanted to ask: "UroLift or TURP?" But I was in no shape to choose a solution. And now I can't sit upright - I have to balance my butt on the edge of the chair, and lean WAY back. Plus, when I urinate, it feels like I'm p*ssing razors. I'm a lucky, lucky guy. 😉 Later, I called the doctor's office to apologize for the mess. I also suggested that it could have been avoided if the doc had offered me one of these. His office staff agreed. 😉


UPDATE 15Mar2024: Elvis the Pelvis. Yet another humiliating incident, after today's CT scan of my pelvic area. I'm starting to suspect that Tuesday's catheterization caused a traumatic injury to my urethra, resulting in that massive urine leakage immediately following the cystoscopy. There was a second uncontrollable leakage this afternoon. I'm not a happy camper. Did I lose my virginity to Dr. Simoncini? Did he pop my urethral cherry? 😉

UPDATE 18Mar2024: To prepare for the surgery (TURP or UroLift), I got an EKG, 2 blood panels and a chest X-ray today. A *chest* X-ray?! Shouldn't they be aiming a foot or two lower?! 😉

UPDATE 23Mar2024: There's a ground-glass nodule in my lung! 😉 Got my CT results from a Certified Radiologist today: "1.4 x 0.7 cm ground-glass left lower lung lobe nodule. ACR Fleischner Society recommendations suggest the following: Initial chest CT at 6-12 months to confirm persistence. If stable, chest CT every 2 years until 5 years." After doing some extensive research on the NIH website and Wikipedia (see below), I finally found out this jargon translates to: "I have no idea what the f*ck I'm looking at, but I think we should try to sell you 3 or 4 more pricey CT scans in the next five years." 😉 A group of radiologists defined the term "ground-glass" as recently as 1984: "Any extended, finely granular pattern of pulmonary opacity within which normal anatomic details are partly obscured; from a fancied resemblance to etched or abraded glass." (Wikipedia) In other words, "ground-glass" refers to an innocuous area that radiologists can't clearly identify. But they wanted to give it a scary CYA (cover your a**) name, so that patients can panic most of their friends. 😉 In fact, radiologists have developed a sh*tload of these CYA terms, so that if one of these objects turns out to be important in a subsequent imaging process (CT, X-ray or what-have-you), they can point at it and scream, "SEE?! I TOLJA SO!!" But most "ground-glass" objects (which they have further divided into subtypes, including diffuse, nodular, centrilobular, mosaic, halo sign, and crazy paving - I sh*t you not, "crazy paving"!) can be attributed to the radiological equivalent of schmutz on the lens. 😉 However, my CT results were mostly quite encouraging: Liver, Spleen, Gallbladder, Pancreas, Adrenals, Kidneys, Bladder, Bowel - basically okay. But the radiologist had to worry about something, so I guess this was it. 😉 "If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail." -Abraham Maslow

UPDATE 04Apr2024: Lift With Your Prostate, Not Your Back. 😉 I had a preop appointment today with Dr. Simoncini, and made the final decision to go with a UroLift, rather than a TURP. The doc (a cancer survivor who has performed more than 500 UroLift procedures and calls himself "The Flow Fixer") describes a UroLift in his video as "almost like tying your drapes back." He assured me that I will have full anesthesia, so I won't be forced to relive the pain of my recent cystoscopy. I'm also demanding top-shelf opioids for the pissing-razors recovery period. 😉 The in-office UroLift procedure is scheduled for April 23. They say I'll get an MRI card, due to the staple implants. Hope I don't set off an airport metal detector. 😉


UPDATE 11Apr2024: O.J. Simpson dies of prostate cancer at age 76

UPDATE 23Apr2024: UroLift today. In the doc's words: "Cysto insertion transprostatic implant single: patient was taken to OR suite draped and prepped in normal sterile fashion. Cystoscopy was performed with rigid cystoscope. Sterile chilled lidocaine gel was used for anesthesia along with general anesthesia. Bladder was free of FB tumors or stones. Lateral lobe approximation of prostate noted. Bladder left partially full. Implants were placed 2cm inside prostatic urethra at 10:00 and 2:00 position and same location 2 implants placed at verumontanum. 2 additional implants were placed in the upper third of the prostatic urethra for total of 6 implants. Bladder was re cystoscoped. No perforations noted. Bladder mucosa, ureteral orifices vesical neck veru and external sphincter intact. 20fr foley placed with complete return of clear irrigant noted, patient sent to RR in satisfactory condition awake and alert VSS tolerated well."

I have a Foley catheter, with a piss-bag strapped to my leg. What an ignominious fate. Not everyone gets one, so I guess I should thank my lucky stars. 😉 It hurts like h*ll, but I have some powerful opioids... which don't seem to cut the pain very much at all. For example, sitting down at this desk was a major project. It will pass, I know, but I wanted to write about it while in the midst, so I can come back to this update in the future, when I'm feeling sorry for myself. It will remind me there are worse things. 😉 For those who are unfamiliar with UroLifts, they involve the doctor wedging a staple gun up your wee-wee and rummaging around until he feels like he's opened up an unobstructed passage through your enlarged prostate. The stapler has a nasty-looking curved needle which implants staple "sutures," like the plastic doohickeys that hold your new socks together.


Uh-oh. My piss-bag is nearly full of what looks like blood, so I'd better go empty it. The doc says he'll remove the catheter tomorrow morning, which I'm sure will be a pain-free procedure. 😉

FIVE MINUTES LATER: You shoulda seen the toilet bowl, after I emptied the bag. Alfred Hitchcock could have shot it for the shower scene in Psycho. 😉 Here's a small sample. I think I'll market it as an abstract-art NFT. 😉


The upside of my situation: after the doc ran a sh*tload of tests on me, there's no cancer.

Odd fact: my urologist is the "official ball drop sponsor" at a local polo shindig. They say he is "Arizona's leading Urologic Robotic Surgeon." Huh.

UPDATE 24Apr2024: Today's catheter removal was a short, sharp shock... but compared to the constant painful torment of having a huge tube inside my four-times-smaller urethra, the withdrawal was nothing. 😉 Pro tip (from the nurse): sit on a travel neck pillow to lessen pressure on the prostate. Sort of like a donut cushion for hemorrhoids. 😉

UPDATE 25Apr2024: Things I Never Wanted To Know About Catheters. After the catheter from my UroLift procedure was removed yesterday, I breathed an enormous sigh of relief. I didn't want to see another catheter as long as I lived. Until today. Because I discovered, early this morning, that I couldn't pee. Which is painful, especially if you have to go REAL BAD. So my lovely wife drove me over to the urologist's office, a 20-minute trip. It was excruciating, mainly because I kept whining the whole time. Yellow light? "Gun it!" sez I. When we arrived, they did a scan. Yep, the ol' bladder was full to bursting. Duh. They said I needed another catheter, and I immediately started begging: "Please, no more catheters. Can't you find another way?" Sniveling and wailing ensued. It wasn't pretty. But I could see they wouldn't budge. So, after several deep breaths, I took it like a man. Which is to say, I whimpered like a little girl. 😉 Actually, it wasn't too bad. Luckily, the catheter tube was a few sizes smaller than the one I had before.

And then they started "irrigating" - pumping distilled water into my bladder, and sucking it out. Odd feeling. When the cold water went in, I had to pee. When it was sucked out, the urge to pee went away. In and out, in and out. They said a blood clot was probably causing the blockage, and sure enough, several blood clots came out. Hmm. These people really knew their stuff.

Then I asked about the V-shaped valve sitting between the piss-bag and my wee-wee. "Oh, that's where we blow up the balloon." Balloon? Nobody told me to expect a party: "Will there be cake and ice cream, too?" They laughed, and said there was a balloon inside my bladder, to keep the Foley catheter from falling out. It was filled with a tablespoon of water. I was impressed. These people were d*mned clever. Which I guess is the type of people you really want, when they're working on your precious wee-wee. 😉


Someone just asked if I'm still wearing the catheter. I was offered the option of having it removed tomorrow morning, but they said if I had problems after 2pm, I'd end up in the emergency room. Since this catheter is smaller, and not causing the same level of distress, AND I've been through the hell caused by a blockage, I decided to keep it for the weekend. In other words, this catheter has become my new best buddy. 😉

UPDATE 27Apr2024: Relearning to pee. Now that I have a temporary catheter, peeing is sometimes a little tricky. When you lose a tooth, you put it under your pillow, and the Tooth Fairy replaces it with some cash. But how does the urine in your bladder magically flow into the piss-bag during the night? Is the job performed by the Piss Fairy? 😉 Or is the process more voluntary?

When I'm sitting here typing, I feel a strong urge to pee every twenty minutes or so. And it keeps getting more and more painful, until I stand up. Even then, I can't control the release in a normal way. I have to relax, and paradoxically, FORCE myself to urinate. It's very counterintuitive.

In my pre-UroLift life, it seemed like Al's Pee HQ was located in my penis. But now? It feels like it's moved inside. Way inside. 😉


UPDATE 28Apr2024: I removed the catheter today. (WARNING: don't try this at home, before getting trained by your urologist. It involves cutting the tube in a certain location.) The f*cker was leaking, and I got tired of the hassle. Turns out there was a blood clot in the "drainage eyes," up inside my bladder. Now I just have to hope that no more blockages occur before the doc's office opens tomorrow. Fingers, toes and eyes crossed. 😉 SIDE NOTE: When I cut the tube, two separate streams came spurting out - distilled water from the balloon, and urine from my bladder. The water was under a lot of pressure - it looked like a mini firehose. 😉


Blood Clots, a/k/a Alien Worms. I'm passing a lot of clots. These coagulated clumps of platelets and red blood cells are a more-or-less normal part of the UroLift healing process, but they sometimes cause minor problems along the road to recovery. For example, they were responsible for the blockage on Thursday, and the catheter leakage today. The weird thing is, I can FEEL them, while they travel the last few centimeters toward their escape from my body. They remind me of alien worms as they wriggle through my wee-wee. And I can hear them PLOP, when they drop into the toilet bowl. 😉

"The Worms Crawl In" music video.

UPDATE 29Apr2024: With all this prostate ruckus, I don't really sleep for more than an hour at a time. So while I'm p*ssing alien worms at 2am, the refrigerator's water dispenser decides to do some p*ssing, too. By the time I eliminate my latest batch of worms, a veritable geyser of water has inundated our kitchen. Of course. 😉

BTW, the latest clot was 1¼"x¾"x¼" (3.175x1.905x.635cm) - it looked like a pile of grape jelly. I almost spread it on some toast. 😉

UPDATE 30Apr2024: My bladder locked up last night, and in order to avoid an excruciating trip to the Emergency Room, I had to move things along with a self-cath. Luckily, one of my neighbors loaned me three of his devices, and taught me how to do it, over the phone. What a great guy! (BTW, performing a self-cath is much like committing hara-kiri by shoving the sword inside your pecker. 😉 No, no, no, it's really not that painful, but it *definitely* goes against one's better judgment. Just FYI.)

UPDATE 02May2024: The clown suit. Tried a new approach, with this product. I attempted to post the following review, but Amazon rejected it:
Nice try, but no cee-gar! About 2 hours into my sleep period, I woke up with a burning urge to urinate. But I decided to let the "Wearable Urinal" show its stuff, so I let fly. The safety towel beneath me soon became soaked. My t-shirt also became soaked. So I bunched up the towel between my legs, and went into the bathroom to assess the damage. The catheter tube contained about 2 inches of liquid, but most of the urine ended up on my t-shirt and towel, plus the product's pants. No instructions, unless the Chinese characters on the shipping box contain a clue...


UPDATE 07May2024: Overnight was hell, with painful blood clot blockages. But things smoothed out, later in the day. Hope it continues. Fingers crossed.

UPDATE 13May2024: David Sanborn, Grammy-Winning Saxophonist and Jazz Icon, Dead of Prostate Cancer at 78. And a friend of a friend is having his prostate removed, after battling stage-four cancer. So I guess I'm one of the lucky ones.

UPDATE 14May2024: Three weeks post-op, and things seem to have settled down. Plus, I've acquired a new skill, although it was something I never wanted to learn. So far, I have performed four self-caths. Voluntarily. 😉 Banzai!

UPDATE 11Jun2024: My first post-surgery meeting with Dr. Simoncini was this morning...

ME: "I can't say I'm happy with the UroLift results."
DOC: "What's wrong?"
ME: "I used to be able to go 4 or 5 hours without whizzing, but 2 hours is my absolute limit now, with significant leakage if I push it."
DOC: "It's only been 7 weeks since the procedure, and these symptoms should work themselves out during the next 7 weeks, but here are 28 incredibly-expensive Gemtesa (vibegron) pills to help with the OAB (Overactive Bladder). We'll do a telemedicine appointment on August 7." Now get the f*ck outta here.
ME: OK, OK, I added that last sentence. 😉
The doc did an **INCREDIBLY PAINFUL** cystoscopy on 12Mar2024 (see above). Today, he listened patiently to my bitching and said, "Do you want me to go in and take a look?"
I replied, of course, "HELL, NO!" 😉
The doc's webpage says he's a cancer survivor, so I finally asked him about it.
DOC: "Testicular cancer."
ME: "Are you currently in remission?"
DOC: "I haven't checked, in over 35 years."
**SEE?!** No one, not even a urologist, wants anybody f*cking around in that area. 😉

While I was describing my symptoms, the doc closed his eyes for at least two minutes. My wife said later that he looked like he was trying to reach a diagnosis, but at the time I was convinced that he was taking a little nap for himself. 😉 Simoncini's skin is actually quite dark. So dark, in fact, that Anikó thought he was black. But I looked at his name and the eyes/stubble/hair, and said, "Sicilian." 😉

UPDATE 16Jun2024: One of my friends was recently telling me about the PVP (photoselective vaporization of the prostate - a/k/a GreenLight Laser Therapy) which was performed at the same facility where I got my UroLift. On the website, they make it sound so easy. I was almost wishing I had chosen a PVP, but one of my high-school buddies went through a PVP about six months ago, and he complained loudly. The upside is that they're one-and-done, while I may need another UroLift, if I don't die first. At this point, I'm rooting for the Grim Reaper. 😉

When I first started researching prostate procedures, HoLEP (Holmium laser enucleation of the prostate) sounded like a really good option, but there were very few doctors who performed HoLEPs in this area. I tried to schedule a HoLEP at the Mayo Clinic, but couldn't even get an appointment. I suspect HoLEPs will eventually become the new gold standard in the next few years.

UPDATE 06Aug2024: I cancelled the August 7 telemedicine appointment, and tried one AZO Bladder Control pill yesterday. (It supposedly helps reduce occasional urgency and leakage due to laughing and sneezing. 😉) And... I slept FOUR HOURS STRAIGHT! I haven't slept for more than two hours in at least a year. Next, I'll try pumpkin seed oil pills, to see if that's the magic ingredient, but I suspect chewing a few pumpkin seeds every day will probably do the trick. F*ck, why didn't I discover this six months ago? I could have saved myself a lot of time, money, pain and anguish...

UPDATE 12Sep2024: When we traveled to Ireland (Eightercua) in July, I bought a package of Depend "incontinence underwear." I was still having trouble with urgency, and wasn't sure I could reliably make it to the airplane bathroom enough times during the 10 hours of the Phoenix-to-London hop. But everything worked out fine, and I didn't need the help... until the food-poisoning-explosive-diarrhea-Covid portion of our vacation. 😉 That's when I became addicted to these gray briefs. They rescued me from a TON of cleanup. Jay Mohr did a hilarious bit (below) on adult diapers at about the 8:40 mark in this video, and I have come to realize that everything he said was absolutely true. Why has it taken me so long to stumble upon these things? (A: Because they're f*cking Depends, a**hole.)

Jay Mohr: "YOU KNOW WHAT IS ALWAYS FASCINATING, WHEN YOU BUY DIAPERS, THEY HAVE ADULT DIAPERS RIGHT NEXT TO BABY DIAPERS. HERE ARE ALL THESE BABY DIAPERS, AND THEN RIGHT AT THE END, LIKE, DEPENDS, AND WHATEVER THE OTHER ONES ARE CALLED. AND EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AT THE ADULT DIAPERS, YOU SAY, THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA. I WOULD NEVER GET UP FROM MY SEAT AT WORK EVER AGAIN. I WOULD GET SO MUCH WORK DONE IF I COULD JUST WEAR AN ADULT DIAPER. I COULD DRIVE TO VEGAS AND NEVER HAVE TO F*CKING PULL OVER. I COULD SLEEP THE ENTIRE FLIGHT TO AUSTRALIA. I WOULD JUST PISS AND SH*T MYSELF, AND JUST SWITCH OUT DIAPERS HALFWAY OVER THE ATLANTIC, PACIFIC, HOWEVER YOU GET THERE. I THINK IT'S EQUAL, NO MATTER WHICH WAY YOU GO. YOU KNOW, IT'S AMAZING, MY SON, MY OLDEST BOY JACKIE, HE TOOK A VERY LONG TIME TO GET POTTY TRAINED. AND EVERY TIME WE WENT TO LOWER HIM ONTO THE TOILET, HE WOULD LIFT HIS KNEES UP LIKE BUGS BUNNY. HIS KNEES WOULD BE OVER HIS HEAD, AND WE HE WAS LIKE A NARROW-ASSED KID, AND WE'D TRY TO LOWER HIS ASS ONTO THE SEAT, BUT IT WOULD GO THROUGH THE CYLINDER, THAT'S HOW THIN HE WAS, AND HIS BALLS AND ASS WOULD TOUCH THE WATER, AND HE WOULD START SCREAMING. AND I SAID TO MY WIFE, I DON'T GET IT. WHY DOESN'T THIS KID WANT TO BE POTTY TRAINED? AND MY WIFE SAID, MAYBE IT JUST FEELS GREAT TO PISS IN A DIAPER. AT THAT MOMENT, WE BOTH KNEW WE WERE GOING TO TRY ADULT DIAPERS. AND WE DID. WE WENT TO THE STORE. THE BABY WAS AT HIS GRANDPARENTS. AND WE WALK INTO THE MARKET LIKE COMPLETE POTHEADS, GIGGLING LIKE WE'RE JUST STONED, LIKE... HE HE HE HE HE. AND WE JUST GO, JUST FOR ADULT DIAPERS, AND WE WALK OUT WITH ADULT DIAPERS AND ONE COKE ZERO, WE LOOK LIKE METH HEADS. WE DON'T WANT TO STOP COOKING METH AT ALL, WE JUST WANT TO BE OUT THERE COOKING ALL NIGHT. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO TAKE A SH*T IN THE MIDDLE OF MY METH COOKING. JUST GIVE ME A DIAPER, AND GET MY COKE ZERO! WE'RE JUST TWEAKING OUR BALLS OFF, LAUGHING LIKE WE'RE ON MUSHROOMS, LIKE IDIOTS. THEY CHECK US OUT, WE GO HOME, AND WE PUT ON ADULT DIAPERS. AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS REALIZE THIS, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER HAD TO WEAR ONE, HOPEFULLY NOT, THEY'RE AMAZING. IF I HAD ONE ON RIGHT NOW, YOU WOULD NOT KNOW IT. YOU WOULD THINK AN ADULT DIAPER WOULD BE LIKE JAMMING A LIFE PRESERVER DOWN YOUR PANTS. IT WOULD BE DISGUSTING AND CUMBERSOME, NO. THEY FIT BEAUTIFULLY, LIKE REGULAR UNDERWEAR. I'M TELLING YOU IF I HAD ONE ON RIGHT NOW, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW. THAT'S HOW BEAUTIFULLY DONE AND PERFECT THEY ARE. AND WE'RE LAUGHING OUR FACES OFF IN THE HOUSE, JUST LAUGHING LIKE WE'RE TRIPPING OUR BALLS OFF, AND I LOOK AT MY WIFE, I GO, YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND. THE FUNNIEST PART ABOUT THIS IS IT'S A JOKE, WE'RE LAUGHING, BUT IT'S ONLY A JOKE FOR TWO PEOPLE. AND MY WIFE GOES, THAT'S NOT THE FUNNIEST PART. I GO, WHAT? SHE GOES, THE FUNNIEST PART IS, I'M PEEING RIGHT NOW."

Labels: pros